It’s Okay.

My goal in life is to be the last little girl.

Today, for my 100 happy days, I was happy with myself. I didn’t think ‘ew you’re gross’ or ‘you suck’ or ‘you don’t deserve this or that.’ I want to live my own life, according to my rules. I don’t want to be defined by anyone else or anything. Today I saw myself in a new light. I’m sure that light will turn off tomorrow or in a week but for once I was able to find some peace with myself. Ideally, not the peace that I entirely want, but there’s definitely potential. Today I realized, it’s okay.

With the help of some friends and a certain lady named Taylor, I’ve found that life is pretty beautiful when you stop and look around. I think for most of my life I’ve had this notion that I would have it figured out by now. I would be happy in a relationship, I would be married one day. College was always that finish line in some sort of weird way. The thing is I have absolutely nothing figured out; I probably had it more figured out when I was seven. I’m weirdly okay with that right now. Like, for the first time, I don’t care that my life is messy and unplanned and that I’m alone. But I’m not alone and even when I am by myself, it’s okay.

Right now, I’m trying to accept that it’s absolutely positively okay to not have a single thing planned out. It’s okay to not be in relationship (Shout-out to everyone that keeps trying to convince me I need a relationship to be happy, I really want to prove you wrong. Shout-out to the one person who has tirelessly convinced me it’s not even close to being an important thing to have in life, you will always rock). It’s okay to dance around in your room with the same song on replay because it’s your favorite and it makes you feel free. It’s okay to be vulnerable  and sensitive (working on this, I swear…). If it brings you (real) happiness, then why shouldn’t you do it?

My current favorite quote that goes along with my current favorite song, from a really smart person,

“One thing I’ve learned is that there doesn’t have to be loneliness in being alone. You can find romance in your life even if you aren’t involved in a romance. Life can be beautiful and spontaneous and surprising and romantic and magical without you having some love affair happening. You can replace all of those feelings you used to have when you were enamoured with someone, with being enamoured with your friends and learning new things and challenging yourself and living life on your own terms.”

Here’s to finding romance, everywhere in life. Here’s to loving yourself and living life on your terms.

Love, B.

(p.s. if you haven’t white girl danced to the song New Romantics, you now have plans for the evening).

10 Reasons I’m Actually a Cat

  1. Sometimes people generally just annoy me. So I go off and glare at them from a distance, pretending to sleep.
  2. Other times, I’m super affectionate and won’t leave people alone. That’s, like, kind of rare though.
  3. I become more mellow and playful under the influence. (I don’t have catnip, but wine is great).
  4. I am territorial, especially of my favorite humans.
  5.  I am a fan of seafood. What is better than a heaping plate of shrimp and crab and lobster and salmon??? YUMMM!!!
  6.  My favorite activity is laying in the sunshine and drifting off to sleep.
  7. Next to perching myself somewhere up high and silently judging all those who walk past. Or you know, sitting in the local Starbucks and judging passerbys.
  8. I can become easily distracted by shiny things and will forget all other things and people in the pursuit of said shiny object.
  9. I am usually picky about most things, food, events, details, etc.
  10. I am a great hunter…. of bargains and deals when I go shopping, but my cat like reflexes make it much easier to snatch up those boots that are finally on sale and I’ve been dying to have…

Time to Be Happy.

Dear Reader,
While talking to my therapist* recently, I realized that I don’t exactly know what makes me happy. I am one of those, I want everyone else to be happy so I do whatever they want to ensure that they have a wonderful life  type of people.
And sometimes I forget about myself in the process.
For instance, I dated someone mostly because my friend really wanted us to be together. He was sweet and I realized that I wasn’t into him as much as he deserved and then I had to end it. But looking back, I was sort of forced into it because I felt I needed to make my friend happy. I have realized most recently that sometimes I need to make me happy.
So how do I make myself happy?
I don’t want to necessarily do this because I always end up forgetting due to time, but I want to try the 100 days of happy. I won’t post every day, but I’ll keep a list and post every now and again about the things that make me happy.
I know it’s old and I know it’s been done a million times before, but everyone who has done it seems to have really been able to discover what truly makes them happy. Most days I think I’m happy and other days I think it’s all a sham. But I know that I want to be happy and I want to take control of my life and do it on my terms.

So Reader, I make a promise for 100 days to try and find happiness. And no, it’s not for you or my friends or family or anyone else.

It’s for me.

Love, B.

*My friend who’s a psych major and oddly excels at constantly giving me advice about how to get my crap together. I’m pretty sure when she goes to grad school, she’ll use me as her case studies because of my inability to function as an actual adult.

The Zombie Apocalypse is Already Here.

You’ve seen the zombies everywhere. They have a dead pan look on their faces as their eyes glisten, reflecting the light from the screens in front of them. They have white chords hanging from their heads, unable to hear anything from the world around them. They don’t speak to others, merely mumbling, unable to speak because their world is digitized. You may have thought they were brain dead, the way the stare off into nothing, mumbling nonsense about hash-tags and ‘likes.’ Everyone makes a big stink about the zombie apocalypse that is sure to come, caused by some scary virus breaking out among our world’s population (Ebola?!?). However, the zombie apocalypse was started by a different kind of virus. In the 90’s we were introduced to what would one day be the modern smartphone. As technology improved, the virus slowly began to fester in our souls. We became attached to beepers and PDAs that would command our every move. Shortly, cell phones became more compact and we could email! We could get online! We could instantaneously connect with a friend down the street or across the world via a small device in our back pocket. Pictures, music, games, blogs, and social media have enchanted our minds to ensure that our whole worlds can be held in the palm of our hand.

And it’s no where near the end of this societal phenomenon. As our phones and tablets get more features, we become even more transformed into zombie like creatures. We retreat into ourselves, restricting our social interaction to the digital realms of our devices. These devices were supposed to enhance our society’s social abilities. If you look around though, is anyone really talking? Plugged into headphones, it’s hard to hear anyone else’s voice, let alone carry a conversation with them. With our eyes hopelessly trained on our device’s screens at every spare moment, how are we able to notice the people around us? But we’re having a conversation via texting! I just tweeted at my friend! I’m building a relationship with a guy on Tinder!I’m using a social network for Pete’s sake!

These e-interactions are hardly healthy or even very social. Studies show that technology is limiting our interaction and social abilities. Katherine Bindley quotes Melissa Ortega in her article, When Children Text All Day, What Happens To Their Social Skills? Ortega, a child psychologist at New York’s Child Mind Institute mentions, “Another thing I’m noticing is they may have trouble initiating interactions, those small talk situations. They don’t have as much experience doing it because they’re not engaging in it ever. They always have something else going on.” The article also discusses how children aren’t learning nonverbal cues or how to handle conflict.

I know I am guilty of this. When I get to class, I immediately pull out my phone to avoid sitting there with no one to talk to. In some of my classes, I do have friends to chat with, but our chatter seems loud compared to the deafening silence surrounding us, since everyone else is on their phones. Sometimes I feel like I’m bothering my friends by talking to them, they chat but occasionally glance down at their screens to check for notifications or messages. Will this behavior ever change? I doubt it. This is the way our society lives now and it’s only going to get worse as more and more technology comes out.

Reader, what do you think? Is technology helping us or hurting us?

Love, B.

Referenced Article

(Random) Things on My Mind

Reader,

I apologize for the gap in posts. I have arrived at that point of the semester where everything is hectic and I barely have time to sleep. But I think that starting next week, things will calm down and you’ll see more of me.

I thought I would post today an update of life and other (extremely) random things on my mind because I know you’re all deeply concerned about my exciting life. Let’s begin…

1. I really LOVE marketing

Just saying, I’ve come to realize that adding marketing as a second major was one of the best decisions of my life. With my internship, things are crazy and hectic and I want to rip out my hair most days but I feel like I have a purpose in life, you know? I’m running an event tomorrow to promote a show and I want to pee my pants because I’m so nervous but I’m also crazy excited for it. Then, Thursday my friends and I are holding a benefit concert for our honors society and it’s going to be so awesome. I’ve done the marketing for both and I just understand it, it makes sense to me, you know?

2. Kylie Jenner

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Kylie Jenner, clearly looking a bit different…

I just saw her face and I mean I really looked at it, mostly because she tweeted something about people needing to change conversation from her lips, she’s bored. BUT LOOK AT HER FACE. Kylie, come on, you had some major work done, especially in your lip region. Puberty does not affect one in this manner, just saying. This isn’t important, I really just need the world to know that I definitely think she had work done.

3. My Best Friend Met Taylor Swift

DID YOU WATCH THE IHEARTRADIO BROADCAST?! The one on a rooftop in NYC last night? Well my best friend was there and she got to hang out with TS. YES, SERIOUSLY. I know she’s basically famous now, I’m trying to get her to hire me as her agent. She gets these posts in her inbox, maybe I can at least be your PR rep?

…I won’t say who, but she’s in this photo with Taylor. Taylor knew her name, Taylor called her pretty. They’re basically best friends and I’ve done nothing with my life. (seriously though, have you heard 1989? Life=Changed)

My friend is in this exact photo with TS herself.

4. My dating life

…oh, wait, I’m still single. and there are no options. and it’s probably going to stay that way until I shrivel up and die. At least I have friends and Netflix to love me. And wine, wine will always be there.

I hope you’ve been good reader, tell me some exciting things that are on your mind!

Love, B.

Sincerely, an Unprepared College Senior

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing today to address something that has been bothering me. Remember me? You saw me this past weekend? I know, you’re my mom’s high school friend or my dad’s co-worker. You’ve known me forever, we’ve gone to the same church since I was a baby! I’ve gone to school with your children our whole lives, how is Katie doing at Stanford, by the way? Somehow, we know each other and you are a caring adult who wants to know how my life is. Whoever you are, you have asked me some variation of the following three questions, which shouldn’t be asked until someone is in their last semester of college:

  • What are you doing after graduation?
  • Do you have a job lined up?
  • Have you started applying for jobs yet?

The answer to each of these questions is a very large ‘no.’ I would kindly ask that you stop asking me these questions. I don’t have any answers for them and I feel slightly dumb when I have no answer. I feel especially stupid when I say ‘no’ and you stare at me like I’m an idiot. No one has told me what is supposed to happen after I receive my diploma in May. There hasn’t been a class or seminar that has detailed every little stinking thing that I’m supposed to do (or already be doing) to ensure I’ll make good use out of my diploma that cost an arm and a leg plus all those blood, sweat and tears, hah hah. You see, while college has taught me many things that will be helpful once I graduate, college forgot to teach me a few things about actually getting a job.

So, when you ask ‘do you have a job lined up’ or ‘have you started applying,’ you send my little mind into a tail spin of questions that further sends me into an anxiety attack that I’m supposed to be doing big things at this current moment. Honestly, I’m just trying to make it through another semester and pull a decent overall GPA (and finish that TV series since all the seasons are now on Netflix, score!).

What I’m saying is I’m a 22 year old who honestly has no idea what is out in the real world. I found the following cartoon depicting what I feel like college has done to us millions of young adults. See, college is the doctor holding the really pretty picture and I’m the baby coming into the world with a diploma and a false sense of security because the real world is not that pretty. It’s not fair, ya know?

This also applies to college graduation.

But listen, I understand that you’re a caring adult who just wants to know how my life is. I am 100% grateful that you took the time to stop and ask me how things are going. I know you didn’t intend to give me an anxiety attack and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I’m just reaching out, so you know for  next time. Here are some things you can ask me:

  • How’s your senior year going?
  • Oh, you have an internship, what exactly do you do for that?
  • What’s your major again?
  • So what would you like to get into after graduation?
  • Where would you like to go after graduation/Are you staying in the area after you graduate?

These questions aren’t too hard and I can answer them pretty easily. I do know what I’d like to get into and where I’d like to be, plus I could go on for days about my internship, gee thanks for asking! I hope all is well with you. I can’t wait to see you again next year and I hope I can tell you all about my new job!

Or we can talk about how I am still living with my parents, ferociously on that job hunt…

Either way, it was nice seeing you again!

Sincerely, an Unprepared College Senior